i don't even know how to start this post really, i feel like giving words to this beautiful feeling I have would destroy it. cheesy as it sounds, language really is inefficient at conveying many things, and in this case i feel like every sound i assign would disrupt the fragile existence of this emotion. it's not a collection of words, it's a smell, it's an orange sky, it's the feeling of bare skin and the warmth of friendship.
there are really few moments in my life where i've been happier though, and there's something tugging at me to chronicle this feeling before it fades away and i forget about all the amazing things there are in the life experience...
so, i ended up doing absolutely nothing "productive" this summer... in the practical sense of the word "productive" anyway. while i really hated it in the beginning and beat myself down for being such a bum, it ended up being the wisest decision i've made for my own well-being and happiness. it's easy to forget how important it is to just stop what you're doing and think about yourself, find yourself and remember what makes you truly happy in life. egocentrism in the most healthy way possible.
if i learned anything from this so-called post-post-modern age, it's that it's impossible to disassociate reason and intuition, mind and body, intellectuality and sensuality... yet in new york, i was living this life which was so sterile and void of the pleasure principle, completely diving into this seemingly inevitable delirium of intellect/rationalist-based living (haha, raskolnikov...). while i knew it was wrong, it really took me a complete dive into the sensuality and warmth of Southern California to remember just how important it is to have that balance in life AT ALL TIMES.
i'm tempted to leave it at that, it's so hard to write this for some reason. again, it's a feeling, not a collection of words, no matter how hard i try to put them together to even tangentially get to what i mean. life is just full of beautiful moments and beautiful people, and i'm so grateful to have experienced all that this summer.
i'm grateful for such colorful and amazing friends, i'm grateful for the sensation of beauty, i'm grateful for the love that can develop between human beings.
sorry for being so weird in this post, i know it was a little scattered and cheesy/random. i just needed to get that out for some reason, even though this was initially supposed to be a tribute to my close friends in southern california who truly mean the world to me and to whom i owe SO much.